FEDS

Sausage factory summer break

The lunatic asylum has closed its doors, however briefly, and its inmates have been loosed upon the land.

On June 11, or thereabouts, the House of Commons rose for its regular summer recess. For our Parliamentary giants, who occupy a separate stratosphere than the rest of us, this means a lot of barbecues and golf games between now and the end of September. Good work if you can get it, etc.

For the column called Feds -- we can already hear teeth being gnashed, and garments being rent -- it will be a hiatus, too. We may come back in the fall, we may not. We may come back in an entirely different format. We may come back in an entirely different publication, for goodness' sake. We will let you know.

In the meantime, however, Feds has culled together a smattering of dispatches from the federal political front.

I LIKE DIS PLACE... AND DA POOL'S NICE, TOO

Notwithstanding the fervent hopes and prayers of Finance Minister Paul Martin, Prime Minister Jean Chrétien ain't movin' outta 24 Sussex anytime soon. With his popularity levels remaining at historically high levels -- and with Bouchard scheming to inflict another debilitating referendum on the rest of us -- Chrétien will stay put. He knows that the Liberal Party can ill afford a divisive leadership race while Quebec's government prepares for another unity scrap. Besides, he gets to golf as much as he wants to right now.

TIME TO RENEW THAT GREEN CARD APPLICATION

In a recent, little-noticed speech before his much-humiliated Parti Québecois, Premier Lucien Bouchard served notice that "winning conditions" again exist to permit yet another referendum on separation. Bouchard dangled the date of May, 2000, before the giddy pequistes, earning himself much applause. For the rest of us, another referendum will mean higher interest rates, a plummeting dollar and many coma-inducing analysis pieces in assorted daily newspapers. California, here we come.

PAUL MARTIN SUICIDE WATCH, DAY ONE

With youngsters like New Brunswick's Bernard Lord, 13, getting elected here and there, Our Paul grows increasingly fidgety about his age, which is not unadjacent to 102. That factor -- along with the indisputable fact that voters' willingness to promote yet another Quebecker to the prime ministerial post is somewhere between "slim" and "none" -- spells big trouble for the hapless finance minister. Memo to Martin staff: keep the minister away from sharp objects and sleeping pills.

PRESTON VS. JOE GRUDGE MATCH

These two pugilistic Parliamentarians just don't seem to get along, do they? Notwithstanding the fact that The National Post has obliged us to endure countless column inches about the United Alternative, Tory leader Joe Clark continues to rebuff the amorous mambo-dancing of Reform boss Preston Manning. Like Oasis' Gallagher brothers, expect these two to continue taking swipes at each other. Unlike the Gallaghers, do not expect them to ever collaborate long enough to produce a hit.

FEW DEMOCRATS OF THE WORLD, UNITE

The pathetic spectacle that is the post-election Ontario New Democrats -- with Buzz and Howie flinging spitballs at each other, and no one else much caring -- is a portentous omen for their federal cousins. Alexa McDonough's whiplash-inducing performance in the Yugoslavian crisis (first she's for it, then she's not), Svend Robinson's shenanigans about constitutional references to the Almighty (hereafter referred to as the Cosmic Bellboy) and the near-total disappearance of the NDP from national affairs add up to a summer of much socialistic soul-searching. That's if the Dippers are smart -- and we all already know the answer to that one.

THERE'S ALREADY PLENTY OF DOPE IN PARLIAMENT, ALLAN

Health Minister Allan Rock's decision to start examining the pharmaceutical benefits associated with marijuana is politically shrewd. Along with taking a step towards decriminalizing a substance everyone (including your grandmother) has already inhaled, Rock neatly exposes one of the many differences between he and Paul Martin -- i.e., they come from different generations. When panic-stricken Martinites realize this, expect to see lots more of Paul spinning Perry Como 45s on MuchMoreMusic.

YELLOW JOURNALISM APLENTY

The advent of The Post, apart from its ridiculous fixation on the United Alternative non-story, is changing the nature of political reporting in Ottawa. More and more, The Post's bureau is scoop central and is generally kicking everyone else's ass. The Globe's response? Move its best reporter, Eddie Greenspon, to Toronto. The Star's response? Well, in Ottawa, The Star is referred to as McPaper -- it's big, it's profitable and it offers no nutritional content.

There you have it, kiddies: the latest from the front. Hope to see you in the fall. And in the meantime, remember what Otto von Bismarck said: "Men should not know how their laws, or sausages, are made."

Truer words have seldom been spoken by a Bismarck.

Feds was written by a lolly-gagging rumor-monger.