Student Guide 2007

THE SLACKER'S GUIDE TO STUDYING

Effort is overrated and so is studying. That's just a fact. Right now you may think that you are going to put an incredible amount of effort into your university studies and really take them seriously. In reality, most of the pleasures of university aren't academic, and work has a tendency of being put off. It's one of those sad facts of life that every student must come to terms with. Fortunately, there are many ways to cut corners, slack and sneak by. You'll learn your own tricks, but here are a few pointers to get you started.

1: With 7-Elevens serving coffee and Red Bull 24 hours a day, there is no reason for any assignment to be written in more than a single night.

2: Profs will notice if you only alter the font size to make a paper seem longer. Combine font size, margin levels and a generous use of subtitles for maximum effect. If that's not enough, see next point.

2a: For the real nerds: In Word, go to Format > Font > Character Spacing. Here you can increase or reduce the space between each letter. It might not seem like much, but it can get you about a page on longer papers. Also, the narrowest font is Arial Narrow. Verdana is one of the widest, but play around with fonts while in Print Preview to find the one that best suits your needs.

3: It's true that if you study drunk or high you'll never remember the material. But if you write the test drunk or high as well, things balance out. It's all about consistency.

4: Think your professor is attracted to you? Here's a tip: the tighter the jeans, the higher the average.

5: Always write your assignments with single spacing first. It makes your double-spaced results feel climactic.

6: Got writer's block? Take caffeine, nicotine and sugar. Repeat as necessary.

7: Three words: striptease study quiz (every correct answer = one fewer article of clothing).

8: Don't study any languages you don't already know and never tell anyone you speak them.

9: Perfect the subtle art of “bullshitting.” You won't regret it.

10: You know your professor's ass? Kiss it.

11: If you can't finish an assignment in time, object because you feel that the assignment is racist/sexist/elitist or any other “ist.”

12: When in doubt, get an extension.

13: If you have to make up an excuse to get an extension, make it as general and awkward as possible. Family and feminine hygiene-related problems work the best.

14: You only have two grandmothers. Make sure no more than two die with any professor.

15: Dogs don't eat essays, but viruses do eat computers.

PHILIP BROWN

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