Illustration by Team Macho

Love Bites

By Sasha

STRIPPING IS FOR SISSIES?

My fiancé of three years wants to become a male stripper. At first, I never really took him seriously but the last time we spoke about it, I realized that this is something he really wants to pursue. I don't want to date a stripper. I don't think there's anything wrong with strippers (my best friend is one), it's just not something I want to be around or see my fiancé do, especially not dancing for other males. I can't stand the thought; it disgusts me, thinking of him bending over with his ass in some guy's face and waving his dick around for guys to gawk at him.

I asked him if he was doing it because he wants to explore sexually – we are definitely not a prudish couple! – and he said that in no way does he want to explore other males; he just wants the fast cash and figured dancing for males would be easier for us to handle. For me, it takes away all his masculinity and I find myself having a hard time wanting to have sex with him; it turns me off completely and I really don't think I can stay with him if he becomes a male stripper. I love him, he's a beautiful person and extremely talented in many things. We have an amazing sex life and he's definitely someone I want to keep in my life, but I'm having a really hard time supporting him in this DISTRAUGHT

Having a stripper friend does not automatically prove a tolerance towards them, and waving her around as corroboration so you can vent your hostility is, well, bullshit. You also have some pretty odd ideas about gay sexual expression if you perceive it simply as emasculating. This is but one example of queer sex and it crosses orientations for sure, but I challenge you to take an arm to the elbow up your ass and see if it doesn't make a man out of you. (We'll get into the related concept of a “woman's” job being emasculating another time.)

Regardless, having a best friend who's a ho and a boyfriend who's a ho are two different kettles of fish, especially if you are possessive and insecure and/or your boyfriend is inclined to dabble beyond your agreed boundaries and neglect to tell you. A jerk boyfriend is going to make a jerk stripper boyfriend, and you obsessively visualizing his jerk antics at work will undoubtedly fuel the harping-lying-nagging-yelling-accusing-betraying cycle.

A good boyfriend – which yours appears to be – will likely make a good stripper boyfriend. But still, will you be a good stripper's girlfriend? If you feel your boyfriend's body belongs to you and, by virtue of that, feel that his job will compromise your ownership and attraction, things are going to get ugly.

I'm not saying you shouldn't have concerns about your fellow getting into sex work, but I would encourage you to wonder why you may not use the same standard by which to judge other labour. Many people unquestioningly tolerate the repercussions of a partner's demanding job, despite the fact that this may have an impact on their personal life, say, if they come home from work constantly depressed and beleaguered.

What is it about stripping that is so particularly concerning? Many of us are raised with ideas about sex that wholeheartedly endorse possessiveness and insecurity, so it's very difficult for us to come to terms with something that might challenge or compromise those ideas. Perhaps you also worry that your partner will like the job too much, and that he is exploring his sexuality outside of the fixed framework you've established. These are all reasonable fears but I would ask you to temper them with some first-hand information. There are many online resources to help you understand the sex industry better (blogs are one great source), though I will say resources for and by men are frustratingly scarce. In fact, the only one dedicated to boys, Hook Online, is gone and CSIS (the Commercial Sex Information Service) is going offline shortly. Last week, I mentioned Spread magazine. I would certainly consider a subscription to it.

Ho-ho-hold the homos

I am 25 and needed extra money so I went to moonlight at a male escort agency advertised in a gay magazine that was hiring escorts. At the interview, I was told my body was OK for work but he asked me if I was bisexual or straight. He told me he does not hire any gay guys. I gave him the answer he wanted but I cannot understand how a guy who runs a principally gay male escort agency can be so homophobic and hypocritical. Unfortunately, though, this agency works for me because of the clients I get and because I am not effeminate. JASON

Erg. It's hard to make arguments opposing blanket ideas about gay sexual expression when the very people selling it pander to such stereotypes. Former male escort Todd Klinck adds his two cents, though with the caveat, “Without seeing the promotional material for the escort agency, I'm not sure if what I'm saying is valid, but here goes: I would suspect that the agency he's working for is catering to men who only want to hire bisexual or straight male escorts. Those running sex-trade businesses, especially when we now live in a world where the internet lets you choose super-specific fetishes, have every right to ask prospective employees what their orientation is if the orientation is an important thing to the clients.”

Despite the distastefulness, the agency manager was honest and told you up front that he didn't hire gay guys. “If Jason is uncomfortable that he lied in his job interview,” Todd says, “then he shouldn't work for the agency. If he is getting good clients, and the white lie of saying he's bi or straight helps fulfill the clients' fantasies, and Jason can live with that, then what's the problem? I know many male clients who are simply not turned on by gay escorts, and since they are the one doing the hiring, it's their right to choose their fantasy.”

Todd advises that you should be comfortable for whom you are working and if this particular quality about the escort agency manager bothers you, maybe you should consider working freelance.

EMAIL SASHA AT SASHA@EYEWEEKLY.COM OR SEND MAIL TO SASHA C/O EYE WEEKLY, 625 CHURCH ST, 6TH FL, TORONTO, M4Y 2G1.