FEDS

Prime Minister Paul Martin and other nightmares

Say it aloud: Prime Minister Paul Martin. Caress each consonant. Verbalize each vowel. Above all, get used to it. Before the fat person sings, as it were, you will be hearing it often.

The man himself, currently attending to the undermining of medicare and the Canadian dollar, grew up in a political household. At the knee of his father -- who, as any Paul Martin fan will tell you, remains the most dominant influence in his life -- the minister of Finance learned a number of important lessons. Chief among these was the Political Law of Inverse Proportion: the more a political aspirant expresses interest in another job, the less likely he or she is to attain it.

So Paul Martin Jr. keeps quiet about his ambition. Quieter, even, than a Liberal backbencher from just about anywhere in Ontario -- which is to say, quiet to the point of non-existence.

Martin's growing legion of apparatchiks, however, is not nearly as discreet. They are aggressive, dedicated and -- most of all -- organized. Before Newfoundland Premier Brian Tobin and Health Minister Allan Rock had even started to cast covetous glances at the iron gates surrounding 24 Sussex, Martin's inquisitors had laid out an impressive political battle plan, replete with a plethora of strategists, bagmen and spin gurus. The Finance minister's supporters, at this stage in the war, have locked up enough support as to render the next Liberal leadership convention a shooting-fish-in-a-barrel exercise.

As a public service, eye presents this definitive list of the many and varied efforts underway to assist the prime minister-in-waiting:

The Busy Ministerial Beaver: Want Paul Martin to write a letter to your folks on the occasion of the their wedding anniversary? An autographed photo of Himself? The minister of Finance to participate in your nephew's seventh birthday party? No problem. Wherever Grits look these days, the ubiquitous Junior is there, smiling at them. In September, for instance, young Paul found time in his bustling schedule to attend no fewer than five -- count 'em -- fundraisers hither and yon. That's more than twice the number Jean Chrétien was asked to do in the same time frame, according to the Liberal Party.

Showering Friends with Affection: This time-honored political tradition -- described most often in unkind, unflattering terms, like patronage -- is a favorite with Our Paul. The latest beneficiary of his generosity was Terrie O'Leary, Martin's executive assistant. In August, the unmarried, chain-smoking Press Gallery favorite -- referred to as Terrie O'Leaky by the current prime minister -- was handed the Mother of All Patronage Appointments by her boss: Canada's executive director at the World Bank. Salary is close to $150,000 a year, tax free, and in real (U.S.) dollars. It pays to be Paul's pal.

Building the Martin Mujahedeen: Until her taxpayer-subsidized junket begins in Washington, O'Leary continues to mediate disputes between competing camps within the larger Martin camp. For the most part, that involves tranquilizing youngish Martinites who are busy selecting drape fabric for windows in the Prime Minister's Office. Another looming piece of nastiness involves picking the chair of Martin's next leadership bid. The head of Martin's 1990 leadership campaign team, the much-quoted Mike Robinson, is presently seen as old guard by the young turks in Martin's camp. As a partner of the ubiquitous Earnscliffe Group, Robinson is also lobbyist for umpteen companies currying favor with government, and is therefore seen as a potential liability. Another candidate for the job is another lobbyist: David MacNaughton, a defeated (but brilliant) provincial Liberal candidate presently shilling for the banks. MacNaughton has the same problem as Robinson -- a lobbyist does not a good campaign manager make. A third candidate for the job, Toronto-based Goldfarb executive John Webster, is the likely choice. Webster, who likes to loudly advertise his ability to make the trains run on time, is presently informing hushed Grits he already has the job.

For all of you despairing of the Liberals' conduct on APEC, Hepatitis C and assorted other files -- and therefore unenthusiastic about Paul Martin, or any other Grit, assuming the mantle of prime minister -- eye has one piece of advice: get over it. With the Opposition hopelessly split and the voters feeling strangely sanguine about continued Liberal hegemony, Grits can be expected to be running this country for, say, the next two centuries. Give or take.

Prime Minister Paul Martin: you're getting him, whether you like it or not.

Feds is written by a former Ottawa insider.